To the tune of the generic rap used by people who don't know anything about rap music
My wife works for the Florence Project, a nonprofit that represents detained immigrants. Every morning they give a presentation to explain to the detainees what their options are, so I told her she should do it as a rap. Obviously this song is not actual legal advice.
We're the Flo Pro and we're here to say
That DHS wants to send you away.
Whether charged with assault or selling cocaine,
You've got lots of options that we'll explain.
If you have no case you should take a deport,
Just tell the judge when you get to his court.
They'll put you on a bus back to Mexico.
For just ten dollars, it's the way to go.
If you're going to fight, you should try to get bond.
You gotta prove to the court that you won't abscond.
Otherwise jail is where you'll have to live,
But it's OK, 'cause it's not punitive.
Cancellation won't work, you see,
If you've got an aggravated felony.
At your hearing you gotta make a good impression,
'Cause relief is only at the judge's discretion.
NACARA's the way to go if you can,
But only if you're a Nicuraguan.
DHS doesn't understand this law,
So they'll drop the case and let you go -- yee haw!
In Haiti they don't like deportees,
They lock them up and throw away the keys.
But if you're sick and make the judge sympathize,
Then the Convention Against Torture applies.
You can get asylum if back in your land
You were persecuted at the state's command.
You need to show that your fright's sincere,
But don't tell them it's just gangs you fear.
Or maybe you're really a citizen,
Like, say if your dad was American.
But if your parents weren't married, you must
Show his fatherhood was notorious.
You should hire a lawyer, if you're able to pay.
Or we can help you do your case pro se.
Leave all your paperwork in our hands,
'Cause the jail might think it's contraband.
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