More or less to the tune of "The Presidents," by Jonathan Coulton
Adams cast the most tie-breakers ever,
Jefferson was on the states' rights side.
Burr shot Hamilton right in the liver,
George Clinton brought the funk under two Presidents, then died.
Elbridge Gerry mandered into office,
Tompkins has a landfill near Cornell.
Calhoun's scary hairdo fought for slavery,
Van Buren took no stance as far as anyone could tell.
Richard Johnson shacked up with a black girl,
Tyler got promoted right away.
Dallas lost because he lowered tarriffs,
Fillmore's an appeaser, let the slave states have their way.
In a Cuban hospital did King serve,
Breckinridge was our youngest VP,
Hamlin said "let's try emancipation,"
So Lincoln turned to Johnson to make wartime unity.
Schuyler Colfax was corrupt as ever,
Wilson was born Jeremiah Jones,
Wheeler was too shy and was forgotten,
Chester Arthur's fashion sense went right down to his bones.
Thomas Hendricks' face was on the ten bill,
Morton made them ask a second time
Adlai Stevenson the First liked greenbacks
Hobart's wife filled in for the First Lady in her prime.
Roosevelt said to carry a big stick,
Fairbanks wasn't favored by TR.
Sherman wore his glasses and had gallstones,
Marshall said the country needs a good five-cent cigar.
Coolidge was sworn in by kerosene lamp,
Dawes missed a vote when he went for a snooze.
Curtis was an Indian with a moustache,
"It's not worth a bucket of warm piss" did Garner muse.
People figured Wallace was a Commie,
Then picked Truman as a compromise.
Barkely was the oldest in the office,
Nixon kept his spaniel Checkers with tears in his eyes.
Johnson said the moon's the place we should go,
Humphrey's warlike ways let down Tom Lehrer.
Spiro Agnew got caught money laundering,
Gerald Ford did not need an election to serve there.
Rockefeller gave hippies the finger,
Mondale said "now let the games begin,"
Bush the first went to a lot of funerals,
Quayle couldn't spell "potatoe," that's what did him in.
Al Gore saw the climate was a'changin'
The internet inventor wasn't dim.
Lieberman was sure that he had won it,
But in his undisclosed location Cheney sneered at him.
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