16.2.05

Machismo

In comments to a typically astute Hugo Schwyzer post, Aegis raises an interesting dilemma that (he says) faces heterosexual men who break out of traditional male roles: they can't get dates. As he puts it:

The problem is that in the real world of heterosexual relationships, guys who abide by most aspects of male gender roles are going to be more successful. ... For example, most women still expect the man to initiate things. Lots of women also still expect men to be assertive and stoic. Until this changes, it is highly counterproductive to expect men to completely "free" themselves from being assertive and stoic for instance, because those qualities are actually making them attractive towards women.

My first reaction to this was to think it's a quantity versus quality issue. I haven't exactly been a big ladies' man, though I can't entirely attribute my lack of dates to my failure to conform to traditional masculine norms. Yet the two long-term relationships I've had have been incredible, in large part because both my ex and my current girlfriend share my progressive views on gender and accept my lack of machismo.

One wonders, then, why a man who is uncomfortable with traditional masculinity would settle for a woman who demanded that he fill that role. Compared to other times and other genders, the social and economic pressures facing modern single men are rather light. Further, a woman who expects her partner to wear a mask of an uncomfortable gender role is unable to provide what I see as the most important attraction of a romantic relationship, a confidante with whom one can be completely open. This is particularly true since one of the elements of traditional masculinity is that men don't need to confide in anyone. Surely a guy's friends can provide as much emotional intimacy as a girlfriend or wife who demands he be someone he's not. So what's left to attract a progressive man to a non-progressive woman? Sex. Sex certainly has a powerful appeal. But how good can sex be night after night with someone you don't bond emotionally and philosophically with? Aegis's observations actually seem to suggest a half-baked feminist argument for porn: it can help non-macho men resist the temptation to sell out their ideals in order to get some, by providing another satisfying-for-purely-physical-reasons outlet for their libidos. A big problem here, though, is that most porn is marketed toward a caricature of a traditionally masculine customer -- so non-macho men would have trouble getting some in real life or virtually.
Stentor Danielson, 12:43, ,

15.2.05

Valentine's Catharsis

I've never been particularly strongly affected by Valentine's Day. I spent more years than I care to think about single, but I never felt the intense sense of rejection and exclusion that many single people report (perhaps because I was so hopelessly single that the possibility that I could be celebrating the holiday didn't seem realistic). I've been lucky enough to spend the past four Valentines' Days with partners who were progressive enough not to demand that we act out the standard Valentines' Day script (flowers and heart-shaped chocolates and whatnot).

But while Valentine's Day is overtly a day for couples, and I don't doubt the sincerity of many single people's complaints, I think the day also serves an important function for many single people. Many single people understandably feel that there's something missing from their lives. This is both a personal lack -- wanting the kind of affection that you can only get from a romantic partner -- and a social lack -- our society is in many respects set up to accommodate couples. Valentines' Day serves as a focus for all that bitterness. By being overtly couple-centric, it brings single people's lack to a head. This allows them to wallow. They can justify, to themselves and others, pouring out their anger and bitterness. They can go on the offensive against people in relationships, accusing them of being oppressors and of having been duped by Hallmark. And they can participate in perhaps the most important Valentine's Day tradition, the bitter single people party. By "heightening the contradictions" of romantic inequality, Valentine's Day provides a catharsis and rallying point for the single.
Stentor Danielson, 10:32, ,